Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Lessons Learned from 80's Musical Montages

Despite what you read in the history books, Sylvester Stallone and 80's synth-rock can be attributed to the fall of Communism.

               Growing up in the 80’s, you were constantly bombarded with important lessons. From public service announcements advertisements to cartoons, you were constantly exposed to a  lesson of some sort.  This trend continued with movies of the day, more specifically, during the musical montage portion of the movie.  It is the portion of a movie where the protagonist goes through a pronounced change.  In real time, it could be in the span of a long period of time (days, weeks, months), but to the moviegoer, this could be during the span of 3-4 minutes, or however long the song is.  So let’s find out these integral life lessons.

Hearts on Fire:  Rocky IV

Setup -  Rocky’s one time rival and training partner  Apollo Creed died at the hands of Russian boxer Ivan Drago in what was supposed to be an exhibition match.  For Apollo, for capitalism, Rocky decides to take the fight to Drago in his motherland of Russia.  


Lesson learned- Doesn’t matter if your commie opponent uses the most innovative exercise equipment of the 1980’s and is pumped up with more PED’s than an entire roster of WWE wrestlers. What this video shows is that nothing beats the old training regimen of working out in Siberia, getting chased by a car of KGB agent, and running up mountains.  Chalk one up for capitalism! (note: as Rocky is the granddaddy of movie montages, and with so many great selections from the Rocky saga to choose from, you have to go with the one that singlehandedly defeated Communism, just saying...)

You're the Best Around: The Karate Kid

Setup -   Being the new poor kid in town sucks! Though Daniel Larusso woos a very attractive girl from the soccer team, her ex-boyfriend Johnny, happens to be a young karate enthusiast.   Johnny also is the leader of a group of friends who belong to the Cobra Kai dojo.  So this amounts to Daniel getting the shit kicked out of him until his Japanese super, Mr. Miyagi, (who conveniently is a master at Karate) decides to teach Daniel-san karate and enter him into the prestigious All-Valley Tournament.

Lesson Learned- By forming a very awkward bond with your old Japanese Super and deciding to become his indentured servant for a few weeks (to kids out there I wouldn't recommend this, no matter how much of a Karate Master that super says he is, trust me...) you can magically become so proficient in Karate, that you can mow down the entire dojo of blonde Hitler youth black belts  that comprised of  a gym  ike the Cobra Kai.

We are Not Alone:  The Breakfast Club

Setup - High school in the 80’s.  You had the The sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads.  The cliques that were well defined and more divisive than the Foxs News Network is to CBS News.  When a Motley crew consisting of a jock, a rich princess, a nerd,  a weirdo, and a troublemaker,sit in for a Saturday school, much tension arises due to the differences between each.  

Lesson Learned - In order to unite such a diverse group of people, with differentces in nationality, religous background, ethnic background, etc. screw mediators and psychologists! As per this video, all that is required is a goofy dance off with 80’s synth-pop.  Preferably, but not necessarily required in a library.   If only the leaders of the world would take note of this video. I can imagine a Peace Talk session occurring in the the United Nations, followed promptly by a dance session (maybe the process slightly assisted with a chemical substance of some sort)   Maybe we can finally have the world peace we all long for. 

 Never: Footloose

Setup - A troubled teen and his family move from the big city to a small town.  He happens to fall for the preacher’s daughter, like all 80’s movies, gets in trouble for just being different, and also becomes an outlaw for dancing, which somehow, by local legislation, has been deemed illegal.  How does he deal with this stress?

Lesson Learned - In the 80’s, teens dealt with their stress just like every other teen in any era; alcohol, drugs, and Dungeons and Dragons, CB Radio (what else was there to fucking do, the internet didn't exist yet).  But this guy conquered stress the only way he knew how, by rhythmic dancing and strategically place gymnastic apparatus throughout an abandoned warehouse.  Screw after school programs, juvenile detention and rehab centers, we need more of these barns!  

Take It To The Limit: Scarface

Setup - Tony Montana, a Cuban refugee, has a burgeoning Cocaine empire and a beautiful wife, both inherited from a former boss of his.  With this successful business, he is running into a problem that a lot of us run into when we acquire a lot of illegal money, we  have no fucking clue what to do with it.  


Lesson Learned - When you have a lot of money, find a bank that will take laundry bags after laundry bags of your illegal cash (no questions asked!).  Invest in such things as  gaudy white suits, marble fountains,large self portraits of you and your wife, and wild animals for your backyard.  Also, it doesn’t hurt to invest in a family business with your laudered money!  The IRS and feds will be none the wiser!

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